Things People Did

We’re told that Aristotle wore a hat

To hide a mole that put the ladies off,

And Rembrandt used to gargle weasel’s wee

To cure the causes of his chronic cough.

Magellan liked to have his bottom smacked

By Dolores, the Infanta, after sex;

And Cardinal Mindszenty, whilst Hungarian,

Often spoke quite highly of the Czechs.

Marx, it must be noted, never shaved

And Douglas Bader used his missing limbs

As the basis of a musical called Legs;

And Jesus wrote rude words to sacred hymns.

Jürgen Klinsmann secretly preferred

His mother’s puddings to his lover’s wurst

And Charlemagne, who hated losing face,

Cancelled games unless he finished first.

Sir Kenneth Branagh made a dreadful film

And then he made another, even worse,

And Catherine the Great was said to keep

A well-oiled Rampant Rabbit in her purse.

  

Considering the things these people did,

I fail to understand how it can be

That, whilst I do them too, you still refuse

To drop your pants and come to bed with me.